Sunday, May 4, 2008

What to expect when you're visiting...

What to expect when you're visiting Key West, FL...

Who doesn't wanna go to spend a week in the Florida Keys? Perfect weather, laid-back attitude, the beer flows like wine. Seafood caught that day. Lawn chairs. Houses made entirely of coral-hued cement. Anyone's idea of paradise.

So when youre a "local"... when youre a "resident"... you can expect a visitor almost every month. Read that as "you won't remember the weekend." These are good times for us. I mean, hell--we love to party. That's a prerequisite on the rental contract. You have to be able to drink, eat out, spend money and last the night. These are things that are expected of you as a host. Imagine if you were invited to the bat cave... and the batmobile wouldnt start up and the butler couldn't bring you a diet coke. Thats what it's like to be a local here. You can be a degenerate alcoholic; which is not a huge positive--but accepatable--even expected when you're the host. Living here and visiting here can be taxing for all of us. So i figured i'd write a list of rules... mainly guidelines to keep in mind when you're visiting. You may not know what you're doing here; but we do. and its going to smart a little bit.

Guideline #1: Save everyone time, money, hastle and heartache and fly into Key West.

Sure! go ahead! Its more expensive. You COULD fly into Miami... or if you hate me, Ft. Lauderdale. We could drive up there and pick you up! I can miss work. I can skip out on the sleep. After all--you're coming to see me and its the least i could do to spend four hours driving 30 mph on the world's most beautiful highway to come and get you! Ill make the time up at work next week--when youre gone and i'm calling in the airstrike.

Guideline #2: Expect that you'll spent a moderate portion of the day by yourself.

Hey--work is for those who haven't beat the system. Thats why youre here! You've got it covered! I am still a little doughnut-humping coffee-jockey. I'm ok with that. I am at home in the "me." I work... although not "strenuously..." it is still time-consuming. I can't hit every meal with you. I can probably hit half... though i only WANT to hit about three. After all, the World of Warcraft doesn't stop just so we can down some oyster shooters at the raw bar. Also I dont want you to see me hung over. I'll put 85% of you in your graves if you come to visit. That requires the Overlord of Bacardi to sleep a little. Perhaps i may just not want to see you all of the time. Its understandable. After all... i know my liver the best.

Guideline #3: Do the boring museum shit during the day when I am at work.

I've actually not done any museum events here on the island. I know they are entertaining-- even fascinating!. I don't like to walk. I want to try and budget my funds to the eating and drinking. That's what we'll try to spend most of our time doing. Its just what we do. Consume and tip appropriately. I know the "pirate thing" is fun. Also, the Mel Fisher thing is completely awe-inspiring. PLEASE do a "Ghost Tour!" Just don't expect me to go :)! I get it! It's fun! I have a house to clean and an entire petting zoo to feed. I have cat shit to scoop and a huge garden to tend to. I'm a "domestic sensitive" (read that "boring" or "closet metro-sexual"). When the daily routine doesn't happen at home because of visitation-related obligations... then that means my house smells like shit when you visit it. I live in a barn but I sure as shit dont like it to smell like one. My life is simple but has many steps throughout the day. You do the tours. I'll feed the cats and scoop the skunk shit. Ill meet you at Kelly's for some wings and brews at happy hour. Best of all worlds.

So here is a visitor's guide for those who don't know if they are imposing... or don't care. We want to show you EVERYTHING we can. We love this place and we want you to love it too. That takes a lot of work.. and a little bit of emotional dedication on our part to be good hosts. After all--we have reputations to uphold.


ReesePie said...

I love it!!!

Kelsie-lou said...

Advice noted. :)

Kelsie-lou said...

Will you forgive us for flying into Miami if it is almost double the price to fly into Key West (My question mark key is not working...sorry)

Scott said...

Kelsie... for you... YES. You guys can fly into Miami. Don't be spreadin' around that i went back on my blog after only one entry.

Crazy Canadians. Its all that Terrence and Phillip they watch over there.

Ninja Of The Mundane said...

As one who has partied with Reese and Scott in Key West, I can say only:

"Those Kelly wings burned my frigging lips off!"


Scott said...

Your lips? Those things are like ulcer grenades... ooooh it hurts so good. I havent had em in weeks. Whats wrong with me? Ah, yes--hemmeroids.